Nobody likes to be angry. But is it essentially a bad emotion, or can it be channelled to the good?
Jewish literature warns against a bad temper. The Mishnah instructs: “Do not be easily provoked to anger.” But according to tradition, God Himself expresses anger at least for one moment every day.
Anger is a powerful emotion and one that is deeply misunderstood. On the surface it can be scary, fuelling uncontrollable and destructive behaviour. But what lies underneath? Many therapists believe that anger is a secondary emotion. Irritability and anger can be a symptom of depression, for example, but anger can also be used as an emotional alternative to other difficult feelings -loneliness, disappointment, or rejection. It is easier to express anger at others than to describe a feeling as uncomfortable as feeling left out.
Do we honour anger in our society and give it enough of an outlet? It’s not clear. In schools students are encouraged to “control” their anger, to take deep breaths and count to ten. But are these strategies really working and are there enough outlets for legitimate or even helpful anger expression?
When anger is pushed down it rears its head overwhelmingly when given half the chance. Perhaps incidents such as aggressive football brawls are due to anger erupting from years of being repressed. Last year UK’s football policing lead said that football-related violence was getting worse. Ask any customer-service personnel in the UK and they’ll have multiple stories of angry customers who become enraged at first-world problems that our grandparents would only dream of. We have become an angrier world while trying our best to build a smoother, calmer one.
This must be partly because we have fewer opportunities to display real, raw aggression. Rather, the rage bubbles under until it is given permission to escape and at that point it explodes. It is still more socially acceptable for boys to express anger than girls. Statistically, more girls tend to turn the anger inwards and self-harm rather than have aggressive outbursts. Many people who self-harm refer to feeling numb and needing to self-harm to engender some sort of feeling and more connection with themselves.
If our lifestyle involved more acceptable outlets for aggression, perhaps these numb teens would feel more alive and would not have to express anger towards their bodies.
In 2008, rage rooms were invented in which customers pay to safely smash the contents of a room. Surprisingly, most customers are women. There is no evidence that these experiences help longer term with anger management. But their popularity highlights society’s confused and uncomfortable relationship with anger expression. Interestingly, rage rooms started off in Japan — a culture in which serenity is highly valued.
If even the Almighty expresses anger every day, anger can’t be all bad. We need to rethink what healthy anger expression looks like and provide more outlets for it. Anger needs more room in our lives. It helps us feel alive and mobilises us to act fast. It brings an intensity into our relationships that might not be there otherwise.
We need to channel anger effectively rather than fight against it or try to squash it away altogether. We need to understand our anger and listen to the messages that it wants to tell us.
